The School of Athens Needs a New Superintendent
A Note from the Superintendent of The School of Athens
Behold the wonderous fresco painted by Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino (better known as Raphael) from 1509 to 1511. It is in the Vatican’s Apostolic Palace, not far from the chapel in which Michelangelo spent so much time on his back high on scaffolding during the same time. It’s a large painting, measuring about 17 by 25 feet, and it went nameless until the 17th Century. I guess, until then, it was just referred to as the painting on the wall of the library. Now we call it The School of Athens.
In addition to writing novels, short story mysteries, and these blog postings, I am an editor at Missouri School Boards’ Association, where I assist school districts in ensuring their school board policies and procedures adhere to state and federal legislation, both of which are in constant flux. I can enter a school district’s grounds (after properly signing in, of course), and several sights might cause me to wonder if school board-approved policies were either not being followed or if policies were not approved. I can look at The School of Athens with the same eye.
If I were one of those superintendents who really know their district’s policies, here is what I would report to the school board after evaluating The School of Athens:
Board president, we need to schedule a time this week—tomorrow, really— to go over several approved school board policies, including Policy DI: Fiscal Accounting and Reporting/Accounting System and Policy DJF: Purchasing. At a glance, I see that construction expenditures were way too high and classroom furniture and equipment expenditures way too low. What does it cost to heat that space? And where are the desks? Our auditorium isn’t even this nice. It’s like a palace. And how do the students…yes, the students.
Policy JEA: Compulsory and Part-Time Attendance states that we educate students between the ages of five and twenty-one, yet these students could be well into their 70s! Diogenes, the balding guy with a white beard—there is no way he is younger than sixty. Is this a school or a nursing home? And I see only one or two females in this so-called school. Good for you, Hypatia, but that’s a total Title IX violation. Have you even looked at Policy JFCA: Student Dress Code at all? Some of those kids—men—are shirtless! You think that doesn’t “materially disrupt the educational environment”?!
I don’t see the “Wildcat Wonder” logo anywhere. The “Wildcat Wonder” logo must be visible in every educational space in the district. We paid a lot to get that logo copied from the State Tech logo.
OK, Policy JFCJ: Weapons in School doesn’t explicitly ban two-handed battle swords, but Alexander the Great over there on the left clearly has just that in this classroom. That is a weapon for sure. And the bare feet! Again, Policy JFCA.
That student behind Pythagoras, Anaximander, is clearly and unabashedly cheating off of Pythagoras’ slate. Read Policy ILA: Test Integrity, you fool! It’s no wonder your MAP scores are the highest in the state. Pythagoras probably had easy pickings in this classroom, getting students to join his weird numbers cult. Can’t say I mind the vow of silence part, though. And there’s Ptolemy on the right going on about how Earth is the center of the universe. Do I need to recite Policy IIA: Instructional Materials to you? And there’s Zoroaster next to Ptolemy talking about religion. Nice enough guy, but is school really the place for this? And, great, the Evangelists are joining right in there.
Why does Zeno of Citium have a toddler with him in school? He is clearly holding a toddler.
And the nude sculptures carved into the walls and ceiling. I’m sure parents will just love that on Meet the Teacher Night. And where is the phone to call the office if there’s an emergency? Mr. Plato, the teacher, seems to have no control of his students at all. Classroom Management 101. Why are Aristotle and Plato always so close together all the time? Look, Archimedes is the one bright star in The School of Athens, and what’s keeping him from transferring to another district is beyond me.
How did this all get by the school board? I’m gonna need Plato in my office NOW!
We are so sued.
